January's Golden Tales - by Grumpy 'OL Bob | GRRoW

Adventures In Fine Dining

(Continuing last month’s topic wherein our Goldens gleefully demonstrate their love for driving us nuts)

Most readers of this series will recall a special pair of GRRoW rescues – Bailey and Ben. They had been a pair most of their lives and had the puppies to prove it. When our opportunity to adopt came along, it was clear that a pair they surely had to stay – but no puppies! There would prove to be excitement enough.

While our early experiences with Bailey had been entertaining, we had to recognize that she was a rescued dog - complete with "issues" from her former experiences. She's also a Golden Retriever - an outdoor dog that does outdoor things like running free, exploring all things wild – and sometimes rolling on rotten stuff and even eating other things that could gag a maggot. Well, she's proven that she's not a perfect angel. Early in her new relationship with us, she apparently went roaming a bit one day and gobbled up something disgusting (delightful to her, no doubt). A while later, she was lounging with us in the living room. Without warning, there was one quiet "urka, urka...." and then - "GACK!" There on the new carpet was a large, lumpy, dark brown stinky puddle! Fortunately we have a handy carpet shampoo machine - and we know how to use it quickly.

Bailey’s partner (hubby?), Ben, also had disgusting culinary proclivities. Rabbits, deer and assorted other fauna will leave things on the lawn that leave us indifferent at best, but seem to be fascinating to some dogs. Ben would pounce on them with glee – almost like he’d found a pile of treats! Unfortunately for us, his innards weren’t as accepting of these things as his taste buds seemed to be. The results were infrequent but equal to the revolting tale related above. Then, one afternoon, Ben trotted proudly up to us while urgently gulping away on something messy – and furry. It was immediately clear that a squirrel’s tail was hanging out of his big mouth – and that the tail was attached to more of the squirrel. Extrication of the messy pelt produced nothing but hide – an entire foot of it. We won’t go into graphic detail here, but an hour or so later, what was obviously additional squirrel parts got launched onto our carpet with a mighty “Glorp!” Uh oh – carpet cleaner time again. “Dear, does Costco have Rug Doctor supplies in five-gallon buckets?”

Similar occurrences came to be repeated from time to time, and from them there arose an idea for a new household product – one with seemingly immense possibilities. We humans like to make the best of bad situations, thus, when one gets lemons, one makes lemonade. Well, maybe that analogy doesn’t really apply to swallowed animal parts!

Time passed, imaginations got triggered and dreaming commenced; Ideas swirled around and took root. Every family with a dog could benefit from this one:

New Product Announcement:

The Revolutionary New Alarm Clock-
The Urka-Gurka Clock

Have you ever had to make excuses for being late for work? Is the “snooze” button just a bit too tempting? Don't you just hate sleeping in – then having to run to catch an early morning flight? Do you miss all those middle-of-the-night asteroid showers -- or do you just like to be up at the crack of dawn to watch the sunrise?

Well, sleep late no more! Because NOW, for a limited time, you can get the bedside clock that is GUARANTEED to have you vertical and running at top speed the INSTANT it sounds its call! You won't even feel like using a 10-minute snooze feature -- which is why we haven't built one into this
clock! Why not, you ask? The name says it all.

The revolutionary new Urka Gurka Clock will ensure that you never again miss an important appointment. What's more, you'll be wide awake from the second your feet hit the floor, ready to take on your day! Here's how it works. The Urka Gurka Clock simulates those gut-wrenching pre-vomit sounds coming from deep within your dog or cat's stomach. The alarm sounds softly at first, easing you out of your early-morning REM sleep. Then the sounds become louder and more pronounced, until you are brought completely to your senses by an unmistakable BLAP sound effect that can only mean one thing --touchdown!

Tests have shown that no one can turn over and go back to sleep while thinking of stomach acids working their way into the carpet. You're wide awake in an instant -- guaranteed!

And if you order in the next five minutes, we'll include a FREE 20 oz. container of Nature's Miracle, for those times when your dog or cat -- not the Urka Gurka Clock -- is the one that wakes you up.

So take action now! Stop missing all those beautiful sunrises! Never miss another early meeting! Don't risk being mistaken for a terrorist by running through airports to catch your flight! Call now! Supplies are limited; Operators are standing by.

More Mischief to be continued……….

“Me? Eat yucky things? Never. I’m too cute!”

“Me? Eat yucky things? Never. I’m too cute!”